I have anxiety, well it’s a bit more complex than that. I actually have a personality disorder called “Borderline Personality Disorder”. This comes with a lot of stigma and baggage so i’ll talk more about this at a later date once I have realised what to write. One of the main symptoms this disorder so gladly bestows upon me is a cripleing amount of anxiety. I hate it, it’s insidious, it creeps into every aspect of your life and steals you dreams. And recently it’s been kicking my arse.
I have always suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember, from the butterflies in your tummy before school to struggling with social situations. It’s constantly been there, like a toxic friend who sits on your back and steals your happiness leaving you with depression and suicidal thoughts. It makes you doubt yourself, your abilities and your self worth. It makes you paranoid, scared, reactionary and irritable. You spend so much time worrying about what may happen you lose the ability to take the opportunities in front of you.
“Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems”Epictetus
Since about 2003 I have been on medication for it, relying on Citalopram to level out the chemicals in my brain. And it worked for quite a while, i was never perfect, I had good days and days where I didn’t want to wake up, but i could function. However like most relationships that are one sided, unfortunately it can’t last forever, and more recently I have been less and less able to function in everyday life. I feel overwhelmed at the simplest of tasks, everything is suffering, from work to my diet. I am unable to keep focussed on anything and i feel like everything is closing in on me. Im hyper-aware, my heart beats so hard and when it is really bad i start to dissociation, which is really scary. Dissociation is where I feel that I am separate from my body and the world around me isn’t real. So I decided to head to the GP and finally talked to someone about how things were getting worse. After a bit of a talk we decided to transition to a new medication and carry on with my CBT online course.
It bugs me how much of a vicious, self-feeding cycle anxiety can be. I know that I feel better when I train hard and eat healthy whole foods. I feel calmer and get to work off some of that negative anxious energy. But, unfortunately, when you are in the grip of it, trying to reason with your overwhelmed mind is anything but easy.
I’m hoping, no i’m determined that this medication change along with focusing on upcoming taekwondo competitions and my white collar boxing training, will make a difference and i can refocuse on improving myself and getting fitter and stronger, both physically and mentally.
Don’t suffer alone, there is help out there. No matter how bad things seem they can get better. Life is about facing these challenges face on and coming out the other side.